Relocating islands and coming to a new school has gotten me thinking a lot. As I had to readjust to a new city and a new workplace, I started reflecting on what I have done, what I am doing and what I will continue or stop doing. Alongside these came the questions, why am I doing what I am doing and who am I?
A nobody
It didn't take long to feel like a nobody. It wasn't as if anything major or out of the ordinary occurred. In fact, it probably happened in the ordinary. Everyday was just another day. A day done and dusted waiting for another one to come.
I wonder if it was because we didn't know many people when we moved? Was it because we had to make new connections again where we had moved to? Or was it having to start off at a new school again? Perhaps it was a bit of everything.
Whatever it was, I slowly became a nobody. A nobody to no one in particular. A nobody with nothing much to my name. A nobody going nowhere specific.
Drifting
Drifting endlessly became normal. It wasn't because I wasn't doing anything. We had a routine set up and the routine helped things to proceed smoothly from day to day. One after another, we ticked off our many chores that we had completed on our daily list.
Everything that needed attending to was attended to. House chores were dutifully carried out - the dishes, the laundry, the cooking. The children were cared for, fed, clothed. Work was completed - planning, teaching, administration, and even dreaming of the students!
Lots were going on. We visited new places of interest, explored new eateries, tried out various games and sports. If anything, our lives were eventful.
Accomplishments
However, I didn't really feel any particular sense of accomplishment despite doing so much. Have I achieved anything from day to day or more importantly what did I want to achieve each day?
If accomplishment was measured by academic excellence, then no I have not achieved much, just a basic degree and graduate diploma to my name without any exquisite honors or achievements.
If it was measured by monetary and assets, being a teacher says everything - yes I have a car and a house nothing close to a Ferrari or mansion.
If it was measured by skills and attributes, I'm a jack of all trades but master of none - I have a passion for lots of things but have never really stood out in anything.
If it was measured by relationships, I'm an awkward introvert slash extrovert, who enjoys a party but is not a party queen, loves having people over but is not the best host of the day. What I do have are two sons I dearly love, though they are definitely not rascal, both are nowhere near being perfect angels either.
I guess if I were to measure my achievements in these few aspects, I wouldn't fair that badly; I might even be in the upper middle tier.
After all, I am a university graduate working in my chosen profession with my own transport and living in my home with my family as well as can play some casual sports and instruments without embarrassing myself.
So were these really what I wanted to achieve? If these were enough, why did I still feel like a nobody?
One thing
The lyrics 'Nobody' by Casting Crowns resonated with me, as one of the not-quites and the never-get-it-rights, that it is fine being a nobody; that I did not need to strive to not be a nobody.
"So let me go down, down, down in history
As another blood-bought faithful member of a family
And if they all forget my name, well that's fine with me
I'm living for the world to see
Nobody but Jesus"
If there's one thing that I should be striving to achieve each day, may I not forget "For to me, to live is Christ [He is my source of joy, my reason to live] and to die is gain [for I will be with Him in eternity]" or in other words, "Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his prize. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose." (Phillipians chapter 1, verse 21)
"I'm just a nobody
Trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody
Who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me
You gave my heart a song to sing
I'm living for the world to see
Nobody but Jesus"
I'm just a nobody with nothing going nowhere in particular.
Esther Koh is a primary school teacher living in Christchurch with her husband and two sons. She loves people and has a passion for helping others find their purpose for living.
Esther Koh’s previous articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/esther-koh.html